


A Christmas Story

by Showeranon



Category: Homestuck, MS Paint Adventures
Genre: Gen, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-02
Updated: 2012-01-02
Packaged: 2017-10-28 17:52:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/310533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Showeranon/pseuds/Showeranon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eridan pesters Kanaya to tutor him in the ways of white science, much to her dismay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Christmas Story

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anonymous](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anonymous/gifts).



> I wrote this as a Christmas present to an anonymous Homestuck fan somewhere. The entire thing is based around a quote from the classic Christmas movie, "A Christmas Story." It's neat, I think.

“No, Kan, you don’t get it!” barked the Prince of Hope, trailing the Sylph of Space down the cold metallic corridors of the labirynthine ectobiology laboratory, his cape all aflutter, “You don’t understand just howw important this is to me!” Kanaya had her right arm supported by her left and, in turn, her face cradled in her right hand, pale green foundation smudging her red velvet glove. The hue was already barely noticeable on her fair grey skin, the red background made the jade ever more apparent. Not that Kanaya was in any mood to give a damn, as Eridan had been riding her like the village two wheeled device for a good hour or so at this point.

“Eridan, the reason that I do not understand how important this is to you is because you have decidedly omitted precisely what it is you wish for me to do for you.” Kanaya snipped with curt defense. Eridan scoffed.

“It’s not like it’s something that you wwould understand, the motivves behind a great conqueror like myself. I’m a vvery complex and multilayered troll, Kan.”

“Oh, would you look at that, I still have no idea what you’re going on about.” Eridan furrowed his brow and bowed his head, a tyrian purple sneaking into his bust to highlight his dilemma.

“Wwell, you sea, evvery conqueror has to start somewwhere.” Kanaya crossed her arms and began tapping her foot impatiently as the Prince began to pace in circles. Eridan readjusted his glasses, “You are awware of my duel wwith the mustardblood in the Land of Brains and Fire, no?”

“I still do not see where you are goi-” Eridan held his hand up, plam flat and fingers spread, cueing Kanaya into silence.

“I departed from the Land of Wwrath and Angels and selflessly postponed my noble quest in order to initiate parley with the psychic.” He crossed his hands behind his cape, shifting his glance to the ceiling, “Of course, one wwould not expect one with such a gutteral hue as his to understand the intricacies of diplomacy. It did not take long for negotiations to break down and for the mustardblood to attack me.” Eridan whipped himself about, flourishing his cape. He held up his arms, pantomining cradling Ahab’s Crosshairs under his arm, “I responded wwith my mighty wweapon, defendin myself from the boorish mage.” He threw himself backwards, towards the wall, and caught himself, spinning around once more and pantomimed as though a bolt of plasma had cracked forth from his rifle. He donned a surprised look, taking a quick roll across the floor, acting as if dodging a fearsome optic blast.

In the process, Eridan tangled himself in his ostentatious outerwear. It took him a few moments to free himself before hopping to his feet and straighening his crooked wayfarers. Kanaya rolled her eyes so hard she risked causing retinal damage. Eridan blushed harder and scowled.

“Anywway, I had underestimated my opponent. Captor had proven to be a wworthier adversary that prevviously assumed, and showwed himself a match for good ol’ Eri and his legendary wweapon.” Kanaya exhaled sharply, but slowly, and pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Is there a point to this whatsoever?” She moaned, exhasperated at Eridan’s theatrics. Eridan perked up again, his fins flourishing and widening into sharp fans.

“Of course there is! As I discovvered in my duel, there is no limit to the psion’s trickery! As such, I must prepare myself for our next encounter!” Eridan bowed his head once more and held a fist to his toothy mouth, clearing his throat, “And since you are the Sylph of Space, I come to you a humble student, seeking knowwledge.” Kanaya raised a distinguished, well plucked eyebrow.

“What sort of knowledge?”

“Wwell, because you are the Sylph of Space, I assume that you are familiar wwith the body of knowwledge related to wwhite magic, correct?” The request surprised the chaste chimeric, and she did her best to recall any aspect of her adventure which may have pertained to “wwhite magic.”

Nothing came to mind. She was the Hero of Space. As such, her role had been breeding Bilious Slick, which was too far gone in the realms of biology and veterenary science to be considered magical. In a few instances, she had felt certain ethereal surges throughout her body. Tantalizing hints of a greater power growing inside of her as she climbed the echeladder. Yet, there was nothing concrete that had come of these tremors; no fruit to bear from a potent, yet elusive seed.

“I do not believe that I am particularly qualified to instruct you in the ways of white magic, Eridan. My role in the game has been far more scientific than magical. I am sorry.” Eridan’s expression fell into a somber frown, like that of a begging puppy.

“Oh, wwell that’s just fine! I didn’t expect you to know anything about actual magic.” Kanaya cocked an eyebrow.

“But I thought you just petitioned me to become your instructor in the ways of white magic. What you are saying makes no-“

“Magic isn’t reel, dumbass.” Eridan cut her off, an asture shape in his mouth, “The power that I seek lies not in the fakey fake realm of magic, but in the entirely non-fictional realm of science!” Eridan held his hands out into the air, once more eying the ceiling with particular intensity. Kanaya was getting more than fed up with her former auspistice.

“You continuously contradict yourself with no end in sight. If you have a sudden urge to learn how to mend fabric or coordinate the decor of your respiteblock, then I will gladly assist you,” annoucned the Sylph, turning on one heel, “But if you seek my tutelage for your flights of fancy into a “wwizard wwonderland,” she mocked, taking steps, “Then I would recommend you direct your energies and efforts elsewhere, as I am of no use to you.” Her heels made sharp clicks on the metal paneling, each tap a dagger into Eridan’s hope. He extended an arm and began after her.

“Kan, wwait! You don’t reelize how important this is! Wwhat if the gutterblood attacks me again?”

“I refuse to play a part in your ridiculous feud with our kind, if fickle, server administrator.”

“Wwhat if we find another way to keep questin? Don’t you wwant me to be able to help fight off wwhatever we might come across?”

“You showed yourself a capable warrior during our encounter with the Black King. I’m certain that you will be capable of handling yourself.”

“Wwhat if… Wwhat if the Demoness appears in the lab! Do you want her to be facing off against a poor, defenseless Eri!” Kanaya tossed him a dismissive hand gesture.

“I’m certain that if the Demoness visits you you will be aptly prepared for any such encounter. I have complete confidence in you.” Eridan scowled, sharpening the corners of his mouth with rage.

“Wwell fine! Wwho wwould even wwant your help anywway, you piece of gutterblood trash! I shore don’t! Wwhy don’t you just go back to auspisticizing for evveryone you ashen wwhore!” Kanaya tossed him an offensive hand gesture.

She was unfazed by Eridan’s harsh words; his verbal rapier had long since been dulled against Kanaya’s thick skin, after what seemed like decades of sorting out a rather messy grey relationship between him and Vriska. Lost in thought, Kanaya didn’t notice the echo of feverish footsteps until she felt a tug at the hem of her dress. The Sylph looked down below her waist to find Eridan clinging to her velvet attire, crocodile tears cast in nobility welling in his eyes.

“Don’t make me beg, Kan.” Kanaya threw her arms skyward, letting out a noise which combined exasperation and disgust in the most eloquent manner possible. She wrenched her dress from Eridan’s grip. He ascended to eye level and met Kanaya’s gaze, even adding a hallow sniffle for good measure. Kanaya groaned.

“Okay, fine. I will teach you the secrets of white magic!”

“Science. White science.”

“Okay, fine, white science!” Kanaya’s upper body went limp. She stared at her shoes for a moment, carefully selecting her next words with the utmost grace. She straightened her back and rubbed her forehead with one gloved hand.

“Well first, a white wizard is going to require an instrument of magi-, er, science.” Eridan was silent and attentive, paying careful attention to Kanaya’s every utterance, “Yes, indeed. Before you become a white wizard, you are going to need a wand.” Eridan’s face lit up.

“Wwow, reelly? A reel wwand?”

“Of course.” Kanaya began, “Now, follow me to the alchemiter. I will craft you a servicable want suited for an apprentice of white science such as yourself.” Eridan grimaced.

“Oh don’t you try and pull that shit on me, Kan.” Kanaya stopped, her expression dead in the water, “Don’t think that just because I’m an apprentice wwizard you can unload some unbelievalby shitty wwand onto me! I demand the best! Howw the shell else do you expect me to defeat Captor?”

“What happened to helping the party complete our quest, or defending yourself from the Demoness?” Eridan blushed, a dolphin ensnared in a fishing net.

“Uh, that’s not the point. You’re my master noww, Kan! Don’t you wwant me to succeed in becoming a great wwizard? I need the proper wweapon!” Kanaya pinched the bridge of her nose so hard that the jade marking persisted through her foundation even after she released her grip.

“Ugh, fine! What sort of wand did you have in mind? Would you like the Mighty Oaken Rod of Zazzerpan the Learned? I can have the Rose human send me the code required to create it.” Eridan grabbed the edges of his cape and beamed.

“No! No! I wwant an official Wwhite Wwizard Spellbreak Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Pattern Magic Wwand!” Kanaya groaned.

“You will shoot your eye out, kid.”

Kanaya entered their party’s workshop, sampling from their lavish grist pile the required materials. Eridan stood off to the side, eagerly looking on. As she fired up one of their alchemiters, she hesitated. ‘What is the worst thing that he could do with this, anyway?’ She thought to herself, entering the string of numbers and letters. ‘He’ll probably just end up blasting a hole in his own chest, anyway.’

The alchemiter whined, and Kanaya breathed a sigh of relief. Eridan wouldn’t be causing her any more trouble today after this. That much she was sure of.


End file.
